Everyone is talking about It Ends with Us. The book has sold millions of copies, and the movie had a huge opening at the box office over the weekend.
Both tell the story of Lily Bloom, a young woman who falls in love with neurosurgeon Ryle Kincaid after meeting him on a rooftop in Boston. What happens after they fall in love has sparked conversation about intimate partner abuse. But what do the book and movie portray well, and what else can we learn from the story?
Spoiler Alert and Trigger Warning! This post reveals plot details from the book and movie. These details could be re-traumatizing for survivors of abuse.
What the Book Does Well
Ryle is portrayed as a charming and charismatic neurosurgeon. This depiction is powerful because it reflects how abusers often present themselves in a positive light, making it difficult for victims and those around them to recognize red flags.
The book effectively highlights several red flags, such as Ryle not being able to control his anger, rushing into the relationship, proposing marriage after a short time together, and breaking Lily’s personal boundaries by going through her journals. Additionally, his act of buying her an apartment without asking—an example of love bombing—is another red flag.
What the Movie Does Well
After the first two times Ryle hurts Lily, the audience shares in her confusion and doubt. Were these really accidents? Were these purposely violent incidents? During a later scene, Ryle sexually assaults Lily. This is when the flashbacks of the past incidents are revealed to Lily and the audience to have been violent abuse.
The video techniques used during this scene create a powerful visual representation of how abuse can escalate over time and the mental turmoil it causes. What had once been confusing and gaslighted memories quite literally are brought into focus. The abuse was Ryle’s choice.
Lily learns she is pregnant and ends her romantic relationship with Ryle. The movie depicts the passage of Lily’s pregnancy through several scenes, including one specific scene in which Ryle arrives at Lily’s apartment. Although hesitant, she invites him inside to help put together the baby’s crib. After the baby is born, Lily tells Ryle she wants a divorce.
Both the book and movie also explore Lily’s complicated relationship with her abusive father and judgment of her mother. Lily struggled to understand why her mom stayed and often considered her weak for not leaving. When Lily faces the same decision, she vows to break the generational trauma. The title of both the book and movie come from Lily telling her daughter the cycle of abuse ‘ends with us.’
What’s Missing
While the movie brings much needed attention to intimate partner abuse, it misses deeper discussion about the complexities.
Marketing for the movie has framed it as a romcom and love triangle. Viewers are encouraged to wear florals to the movie and there have been pop up flower shops for promotion. Many of the marketing strategies avoid the movie’s prevalent topic of domestic violence.
We overheard a small group of ladies discussing the movie after it ended. One mentioned how she thought the ending was wrapped up in a perfect bow, and that’s not how these situations usually end up for the survivor. Other comments were about concern for the baby, and how Lily doesn’t seem worried that Ryle will continue to hurt her and their child.
This might be the most important criticism of the movie. It presents the process of escaping an abuser as a decision that can be implemented easily and quickly. We know this isn’t reality. It takes a victim an average of seven times to escape the abuse. Attempting to flee is the most dangerous time, and abuse often escalates during pregnancy.
Lily does not explore options for a protective order, her friends stay available to her, and she doesn’t experience risks of job loss because of the abuse. Unlike Lily, many victims are isolated through the power and control of the abuser. With no one to turn to for help and not enough money to begin again, victims often navigate a series of barriers to safety.
The story also ends with Lily and Ryle easily agreeing to a co-parenting relationship without meaningful discussions of the terms or consideration of the risks—and those risks are many. Abusers often use co-parenting arrangements with the survivor to continue control and intimidation. This is why safe exchange and visitation programs like ours are so important.
And finally, the movie doesn’t include a domestic violence hotline number until after the credits have ended. Given the anticipation and early popularity of the movie, not including a hotline number was very disappointing.
What’s Next
Educate yourself on intimate partner abuse. Read this blog post about myths and truths. Learn about what a healthy relationship is. Find out how you can start conversations with young people in your life.
Watch other shows like Maid, which does an exceptional job at showing the hurdles survivors go through. Alex, the survivor and main character, navigates the lack of employment, childcare, and friends because her circle of support was tied with her abuser.
Have you wondered if your relationship is healthy? Do you have a friend you suspect could be suffering from physical or emotional abuse? Whether you just want to talk or you’re ready to initiate services, we will answer your call 24 hours a day, every day of the year.
