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If you’re reading this and have lost someone to intimate partner abuse, we’re so sorry for your loss.  

Friends and families of domestic homicide victims often self-blame and sometimes experience survivor’s guilt. Darlene Thomas, our executive director, has supported countless friends and family through grief.  

“It’s normal for families to question and hold themselves responsible,” shares Darlene. “But you’re not to blame. The only person to blame is the abuser.”  

Stages of Grief  

Do you feel shocked or angry right now? Maybe you’re questioning how this happened to someone you love.

Most friends and family will experience these standard stages of grief, but the journey is not always linear:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Feeling stuck in one stage or bouncing around the stages happens often.

This article from the Cleveland Clinic is a good place to start if you’re interested in reading more about the stages of grief.

Power and Control Wheel    

After some time has passed, exploring the dynamics of intimate partner abuse can help friends and families navigate the complexities of grief.   

The Power and Control Wheel, developed many years ago by advocates in Minnesota, provides examples of the ways abuse affected the life of your loved one. Some of the examples leave visible marks, but most are purposely hidden and difficult to recognize.   

It’s important to remember that many tactics of power and control are meant to manipulate and confuse people who supported the victim.  

Your voice matters.   

Sharing information and raising awareness can be helpful in the healing journeys of friends and family.

This link from the CDC discusses types of abuse, how common intimate partner abuse is, other statistics, and how to prevent it – like understanding and promoting healthy relationships.  

It’s okay to be more private about your loss, too. Public discussions can be re-traumatizing, especially for those of us who identify as introverts. Talking about your grief with trusted confidants is helpful, too.

Other Resources    

The Kentucky Center for Grieving Children & Families offers support groups, training in youth bereavement, and hosts a weekend camp for children who have experienced loss.   

The US Department of Justice has this handbook titled Coping after a Homicide. It covers reactions, helping children cope with grief, and the criminal justice system.  

It’s Older Americans Month and when it comes to intimate partner abuse, there is no age limit.  

The National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life (NCALL) defines it as willful abuse, neglect, abandonment, or financial exploitation of an older adult who is age 50+ by someone in an ongoing, trust-based relationship with the victim.  

Sherry Huff Culp from Nursing Home Ombudsman Agency of the Bluegrass says, “The aggressors include spouses and former spouses, partners, adult children, extended family, and in some cases caregivers. Often abusers threaten survivors with nursing home placement if they tell anyone about the abuse. Some abusers use their role and power to financially exploit their victims. Others feel that they are entitled to get their way because they are the “head of the household,” or because they are younger and physically stronger than their victim is.” 

People being abused later in life face unique challenges. They may be more dependent on their abuser for basic needs or have a harder time leaving their home to seek help.   

Get Help 

If you’re suffering from abuse later in life, Certified Domestic Violence Advocates are here 24 hours a day, every day of the year to talk and answer your questions. Call us at 800-544-2022. 

If you’re in an abusive situation and ready to leave, but you’re the caregiver for an elderly family member — we have a special room at shelter just for this type of circumstance that can fit a medical bed and has its own bathroom.  

How can you support someone who is being abused? Listen. Believe. Empower. Be informed. 

Learn & Listen

First, remember the abuse they are suffering is rooted in isolation, power, and control. Your role is to help them make their own decisions, not rescue them. Educate yourself on the power and control wheel.  

Believe the stories they tell you. Listen more than you talk. Avoid saying what you would do.  

Safety Plan

Say you are really worried about their safety and ask if they have a safety plan.  

Become familiar with things to consider when making a safety plan. Suggest that they call our 24-hour hotline to speak with an advocate. You can call us, too. We are here to answer questions and help you support your friend or family member. 

Not Just Shelter

Intimate partner abuse programs like ours aren’t just about emergency shelter. Certified Domestic Violence Advocates can help safety plan, help survivors through the emergency protective order process, accompany survivors to court, help with housing, connect them with support groups, plan next steps, or just talk.  

Remember Leaving Isn’t Easy

Always respect your friend or family member’s decision, even if they decide to stay. Sometimes it’s because leaving will be too dangerous right now. 

There are many reasons for not being able to leave – having nowhere to go, fear, financial insecurity, threats to themselves or their children or pets. Leaving the relationship is often the most dangerous time for the survivor.